I'm enjoying my day when a guy I've talked to maybe twice sits behind me and asks me my plans for after class.
We sit with rapt enjoyment as our Marvelous teacher explains Hip Hop in terms of Women Self Empowerment and the Commodification of Women.
Then we watched "How Many Licks" by Lil Kim.
Not only did that movie reinforce a seedling of an idea that I am not heterosexual, but it jarred me.
Afterward I couldn't bring myself to even look at the guy. I was confused, and really felt uncomfortable. I high tailed it out of class towards a grassy area. I sat grumpily in the dead grass. I was angry because I was confused and not responsive to his interest.
My mind was thinking I'm not ready for love. I'm not ready for love.
Then, I lay in the warm grass and passed out.
Hours later, it seems, I hear a fly buzzing over my face. That's odd. Flies don't sound like indoors. I wake up with a start alarmed at my lack of self protection out of doors. How could I let myself fall asleep outside? I totally let my guard down in a semi-unfamiliar place after just feeling really scared and now I'm disoriented and twice as foggy as I was before my nap when I came outdoors in search of clarity.
I decided to meditate. Mantra-style.
I close my eyes and chant "What do I need to learn about love? What do I need to learn about love?"
The inner voices of clarity are a no show.
Frustrated, confused, slightly estranged from myself and with a total Lack of Confidence I follow dragonflies back home.
I feel shaken up and completely un-empowered, which makes me angry and I want to rage at the world, "Fuck You! I don't believe in love anyway! Love and women have two things in common, the only time they make it big is when they Die!"
It's times like these my heart is too scared-shitless to talk to me. I get stuck. Half of me wants to bounce promiscuously around the room. The other half wants to take a short nap.
I feel discombobulated and so naive.
This experience is a common side effect of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which is common in teenage girls, which are commonly traumatized by car crashes and more commonly by sexual abuse.
