does doing this make it go to tumblr?
9.23.2012
2.20.2012
Pantheacon
I only have a few words for you now, but i promise i will write more soon.
Pantheacon:
Tantric Breathing: Sacred snake. All spinning-vibrating rainbow, stop breath, numbness in hands, sweating, expulsion of at least three demons, singing the sacred inside .
New tarot cards, journaling in the sun, breasty women in corsets, Circle singing, TXT from scott! he's here!
scott wears the ring
Eryvis friend.
party , i am good at tarot !
Eryvis tells me about the lizard,
smoke a bowl on a balcony.
The end. good night
Pantheacon:
Tantric Breathing: Sacred snake. All spinning-vibrating rainbow, stop breath, numbness in hands, sweating, expulsion of at least three demons, singing the sacred inside .
New tarot cards, journaling in the sun, breasty women in corsets, Circle singing, TXT from scott! he's here!
scott wears the ring
Eryvis friend.
party , i am good at tarot !
Eryvis tells me about the lizard,
smoke a bowl on a balcony.
The end. good night
10.20.2011
S.W.A.T.
It was nine o'clock the electric church belled tolled.
Bong.
The light filtered through Christ's open arms- grey, red and smoky.
There was a fire burning in the third pew underneath a hanging celebrating "The Rebirth of Christ-- Happy Easter 1928" in gold script.
< Over a hundred years old> I thought.
The smell of fakin bacon drew me towards the cookfire just as a bullet whizzed passed my head. I ducked, but unworried. No one could find us in here. The cook was a lump of an old navy snow parka, matching beanie, and black soot jeans. The feet were bare and all the skin that could be seen was brown.
I sat.
I rolled my eyes, being telepaths had added an advantage to hiding but like Deanna Troi in Star Trek, I could almost not stand my mother. Two telepaths in a crowd.
"RINNNNNG!!"
Someone was on our property we read their mind, suddenly alert-- but moments later relaxed--it was a squirrel.
My mother lifted the pan to me in a gesture of Hungry?
I was taking my first bite when the SWAT team found me.
Amid the smoke screen I felt her go. They didn't know we were telepaths. She sent me a picture of his face. But it was so short I didn't put two and two together, thinking he was my father. It's ironic now that Ididn't pick up the warning- only infinite waves of trust-that's the problem with the dying- you can't trust the path par of them- it's too overwhelmed with God to see anything wrong in a situation.
The golden hair hung stringy just about out of reach of his eyes. His brow was furrowed and he had a smattering of freckles like wrinkles in a 45 year old face.
His eyes were electric blue, his complexion ruddy and I called him Father.
He was leader of the Special Weapons and Tactics squad, though, as I was soon to learn, that was just a cover.
You would think that being able to read his mind I would've picked up his malintentions sooner. It wasn't until I found out the ugly, amost Oedipal truth that his actions finally cleared up his motivations.
My mother wasn't always right but, God help her, at least this time she had given me the information I needed to survive even if it wasn't accurate. Okay it was downright falsified, but it did its job.
"Dad," I said. We were now in a train weapons base--our compartment lanterns were swinging slowly back and forth shedding blue light on blue metal wall and cotton bedding-- everything was blue here, mesmerizing, calming, hypnotic.
I had kept my head down after the capture at the chrch and now was Orphan Annie adopted by the Jubal of the SWAT team. Joining the team may not have looked like my choice, but it was better than prison and I was a natural born charmer--it came with being a telepath, you just knew what other people expected.
"Dad," I said again, "what's for break---?" He was at the tiny sink and freezdried packages compartment wedged next to the mini microwave.
"Berries, again, orangbread, hands ground..."
"and, of course, corn syrup," I finished for him.
We exchanged tired smiles, had no idea where we were and enjoyed the moment of familiarity.
Our door peeped, the red light--showing our locked compartment--flashed green as Ben Rok stepped in. Dark short hair styled with glue over thicker black eyebrows, his face--freckled darkly--was frowning over a clipboard in his earthworn hands. He had on a faded mechanic jacket, jeans and steel toed black boots. He was speaking.
"--looks like we'll be delayed here which won't make the boss happy but you know people are people." As he carried on --he was my father's best friend--the way he said people are people iw eas like he said people are animals. He put me on my guard. One with that beliefe would likely also act like one of these people. I did my basic on guard- check: Time- Unknown, Place-Unknown, Date-Unknown. We were in the blue zone, but our neutrality was fading fast. I looked back at Ben. He was shaking hands with Dad and leaving- I watched his ass go wondering --as I did now and agian, who had killed my mother?
"Time to go," my father said. Our lamp light was changing from blue to red. Work time.
That day in the corridor I passed by two grunts complaining and recieved the shock of my life.
" Man, it's not C-Watt team, it's See What? team"
"Na, na, na, na, na ,na, na, dude. Don't you get it? No matter how stupid you sound I can't tell you the acronym's meaning here-I'd get killed."
"Come on, whisper it."
"No."
Except what he was doing was thinking it-- thinking it so hard it was like he wanted the other guy to absorb it through osmosis. I sensed a purpseless death and see for the dumb one--it seems his companion didn't want him to die in vain.
S.W.A.T. She wants a tortoise. That was a blow-- my knees were stiff and my smile suddenly forced. Anyone who knows that children's rhyme would balk at even the idea. How had they kept it this secret for so long?
Daisies are Red
Because the Great King is dead
The Great King is dead
Great King is dead
Daisies are Red
Because the Great King is dead
What the little girl wouldn't do
Without a tortoise tortoise
What the little girl wouldn't do
Without a tortoise tortoise
Oh little princess she wants a tortoise
Her father was a mean old man
Who gave her candy but hit her hand
And never ever let her ran
Away Away
So one day when in from the forest crept
A slow tortoise step by step
She placed him in her father's path
For hopes of injury
For hopes of injury
Everyone knew, of course, that the girl was freedom and the tortoise was the hidden, slowly building bomb which would bring the fall of the king and the return to the wild and freedom.
I had kept time with my monthlies-- yet it was hard to believe that I had lived in no man's zone two years without knowing we worked against the government--and all this time I thought I had been playing it safe in beurocratic, gun wielding hands.
<Crap> was my first thought and then I thought of my mother, how she had worked so hard to protect us. It was time to kill my mother's murderer.
Father was in a bored room--a kaffeklatch meeting of sorts. By the looks of it they'd been at it for hours when I finaly found him. I'd been at it for hours looking. He saw me and I took in a breath. He was thinking and for once I let myself listen to his thoughts even 4,5 layers deep--thoughts upon thoughts upon thoughts. I closed my eyes adn found my mother's face. Except he had labeled her Traiter- Government Conspiritor and Aider #1. She was a prize to him.
I knew that now he was a bounty hunter and he'd murdered my mother.
There is a trick we telepaths learn to kill people from a distance. It's called The Plaugue by us because it wounds like a million egyptian crickets are inside your head making that high pitched sound. Except inside your head it's piercing. It liquifies your brain. When we bend The Plaugue on someone we have to sacrifice something though it only gives me a nosebleed. More people die, more pain. But filled with rage as I was at this new information I desided to liquify the whole room- only I saw Ben slomping down the corridor which meant I couldn't. So I consentrated quickly knowing now I'd have just enough time to liquify father-murderer only, and hide but --stupid adolescent brain I was swamped instead by Ben's braind and his thought of me-only me--as a child!
What was this? He had known me for only a brief time before taking up with SWAT--it seems there was around an eighteen year age difference between him and I that I hadn't picked up on thinking he was decades younger. It's amazing how blind a telepatha can be.
It seems Ben was my brother or father but he kept thinking of mother as the President's wife and me as Bomb #1.
I vamped up the pitch of The Paugue. Saw my father collapse at the table--blood pounding out his ears. I didn't have time to run away, Ben was right on top of me. I changed my face to nonchalant.
"Hey," he said.
"Hey," I replied.
"Whatcha doing in this sector, Annabel?"
"I don't know Ben-ja-min," I stretched out his name, annoying him, "stretching my legs."
"Okay," he said.
We walked together back towards my sleeping area.
In the middle of the corridor Ben stooped down and lifted up the floor tile, below it I saw the track going by.
"What?" I trailed off.
He was pointing a black revolver at me, "Jump."
Simple as that.
<What she really wanted was a telepath> I thought as I jumped, as I lay still on the track for hours as the train passed over me, and finally as I stood up and walked into the wilderness.
Get in. Get out. Get Free.
Bong.
The light filtered through Christ's open arms- grey, red and smoky.
There was a fire burning in the third pew underneath a hanging celebrating "The Rebirth of Christ-- Happy Easter 1928" in gold script.
< Over a hundred years old> I thought.
The smell of fakin bacon drew me towards the cookfire just as a bullet whizzed passed my head. I ducked, but unworried. No one could find us in here. The cook was a lump of an old navy snow parka, matching beanie, and black soot jeans. The feet were bare and all the skin that could be seen was brown.
I sat.
I rolled my eyes, being telepaths had added an advantage to hiding but like Deanna Troi in Star Trek, I could almost not stand my mother. Two telepaths in a crowd.
"RINNNNNG!!"
Someone was on our property we read their mind, suddenly alert-- but moments later relaxed--it was a squirrel.
My mother lifted the pan to me in a gesture of Hungry?
I was taking my first bite when the SWAT team found me.
Amid the smoke screen I felt her go. They didn't know we were telepaths. She sent me a picture of his face. But it was so short I didn't put two and two together, thinking he was my father. It's ironic now that Ididn't pick up the warning- only infinite waves of trust-that's the problem with the dying- you can't trust the path par of them- it's too overwhelmed with God to see anything wrong in a situation.
The golden hair hung stringy just about out of reach of his eyes. His brow was furrowed and he had a smattering of freckles like wrinkles in a 45 year old face.
His eyes were electric blue, his complexion ruddy and I called him Father.
He was leader of the Special Weapons and Tactics squad, though, as I was soon to learn, that was just a cover.
You would think that being able to read his mind I would've picked up his malintentions sooner. It wasn't until I found out the ugly, amost Oedipal truth that his actions finally cleared up his motivations.
My mother wasn't always right but, God help her, at least this time she had given me the information I needed to survive even if it wasn't accurate. Okay it was downright falsified, but it did its job.
"Dad," I said. We were now in a train weapons base--our compartment lanterns were swinging slowly back and forth shedding blue light on blue metal wall and cotton bedding-- everything was blue here, mesmerizing, calming, hypnotic.
I had kept my head down after the capture at the chrch and now was Orphan Annie adopted by the Jubal of the SWAT team. Joining the team may not have looked like my choice, but it was better than prison and I was a natural born charmer--it came with being a telepath, you just knew what other people expected.
"Dad," I said again, "what's for break---?" He was at the tiny sink and freezdried packages compartment wedged next to the mini microwave.
"Berries, again, orangbread, hands ground..."
"and, of course, corn syrup," I finished for him.
We exchanged tired smiles, had no idea where we were and enjoyed the moment of familiarity.
Our door peeped, the red light--showing our locked compartment--flashed green as Ben Rok stepped in. Dark short hair styled with glue over thicker black eyebrows, his face--freckled darkly--was frowning over a clipboard in his earthworn hands. He had on a faded mechanic jacket, jeans and steel toed black boots. He was speaking.
"--looks like we'll be delayed here which won't make the boss happy but you know people are people." As he carried on --he was my father's best friend--the way he said people are people iw eas like he said people are animals. He put me on my guard. One with that beliefe would likely also act like one of these people. I did my basic on guard- check: Time- Unknown, Place-Unknown, Date-Unknown. We were in the blue zone, but our neutrality was fading fast. I looked back at Ben. He was shaking hands with Dad and leaving- I watched his ass go wondering --as I did now and agian, who had killed my mother?
"Time to go," my father said. Our lamp light was changing from blue to red. Work time.
That day in the corridor I passed by two grunts complaining and recieved the shock of my life.
" Man, it's not C-Watt team, it's See What? team"
"Na, na, na, na, na ,na, na, dude. Don't you get it? No matter how stupid you sound I can't tell you the acronym's meaning here-I'd get killed."
"Come on, whisper it."
"No."
Except what he was doing was thinking it-- thinking it so hard it was like he wanted the other guy to absorb it through osmosis. I sensed a purpseless death and see for the dumb one--it seems his companion didn't want him to die in vain.
S.W.A.T. She wants a tortoise. That was a blow-- my knees were stiff and my smile suddenly forced. Anyone who knows that children's rhyme would balk at even the idea. How had they kept it this secret for so long?
Daisies are Red
Because the Great King is dead
The Great King is dead
Great King is dead
Daisies are Red
Because the Great King is dead
What the little girl wouldn't do
Without a tortoise tortoise
What the little girl wouldn't do
Without a tortoise tortoise
Oh little princess she wants a tortoise
Her father was a mean old man
Who gave her candy but hit her hand
And never ever let her ran
Away Away
So one day when in from the forest crept
A slow tortoise step by step
She placed him in her father's path
For hopes of injury
For hopes of injury
Everyone knew, of course, that the girl was freedom and the tortoise was the hidden, slowly building bomb which would bring the fall of the king and the return to the wild and freedom.
I had kept time with my monthlies-- yet it was hard to believe that I had lived in no man's zone two years without knowing we worked against the government--and all this time I thought I had been playing it safe in beurocratic, gun wielding hands.
<Crap> was my first thought and then I thought of my mother, how she had worked so hard to protect us. It was time to kill my mother's murderer.
Father was in a bored room--a kaffeklatch meeting of sorts. By the looks of it they'd been at it for hours when I finaly found him. I'd been at it for hours looking. He saw me and I took in a breath. He was thinking and for once I let myself listen to his thoughts even 4,5 layers deep--thoughts upon thoughts upon thoughts. I closed my eyes adn found my mother's face. Except he had labeled her Traiter- Government Conspiritor and Aider #1. She was a prize to him.
I knew that now he was a bounty hunter and he'd murdered my mother.
There is a trick we telepaths learn to kill people from a distance. It's called The Plaugue by us because it wounds like a million egyptian crickets are inside your head making that high pitched sound. Except inside your head it's piercing. It liquifies your brain. When we bend The Plaugue on someone we have to sacrifice something though it only gives me a nosebleed. More people die, more pain. But filled with rage as I was at this new information I desided to liquify the whole room- only I saw Ben slomping down the corridor which meant I couldn't. So I consentrated quickly knowing now I'd have just enough time to liquify father-murderer only, and hide but --stupid adolescent brain I was swamped instead by Ben's braind and his thought of me-only me--as a child!
What was this? He had known me for only a brief time before taking up with SWAT--it seems there was around an eighteen year age difference between him and I that I hadn't picked up on thinking he was decades younger. It's amazing how blind a telepatha can be.
It seems Ben was my brother or father but he kept thinking of mother as the President's wife and me as Bomb #1.
I vamped up the pitch of The Paugue. Saw my father collapse at the table--blood pounding out his ears. I didn't have time to run away, Ben was right on top of me. I changed my face to nonchalant.
"Hey," he said.
"Hey," I replied.
"Whatcha doing in this sector, Annabel?"
"I don't know Ben-ja-min," I stretched out his name, annoying him, "stretching my legs."
"Okay," he said.
We walked together back towards my sleeping area.
In the middle of the corridor Ben stooped down and lifted up the floor tile, below it I saw the track going by.
"What?" I trailed off.
He was pointing a black revolver at me, "Jump."
Simple as that.
<What she really wanted was a telepath> I thought as I jumped, as I lay still on the track for hours as the train passed over me, and finally as I stood up and walked into the wilderness.
Get in. Get out. Get Free.
Author's Note
hands ground: like ground beef, meat origin unknown, probably monkey, 1 part meat, 2 parts fat
Ben Rok: brother
King in poem: tyrannical government
Annabel: the king's daughter was a telepath, someone like that could easily rule the world and was therefore in exile
Mother: Former mistress of the king, unsure whether actual mother or wet nurse of Annabel
8.02.2011
Hey, It's me again, I just needed a space to write
Like. a public domain place. I was just sent a facemail where my ex mentioned three of the best times we had together- watching a movie, a dance, and a hike--and i only remember one of three. drawing a complete blank on the other two.. then when i see a friend from elementary school or even middle school They mention something and I have no idea what they are talking about. Friends from highschool- or aquantences are starting to disappear too. Where is my memory going and why can't i remember the other two best nights of my ex's and my time together.
I am loud. I am singing singing singing. It's becasue
1) Im angry
2) I just got what jewel means in deep water when she says "wake up making love to a wall"
3) everything i've come up with on my own somebody else-like an entire religion for example-has come up with it first. except for a hovering vacuum cleaner.
When i asked my self why i was angry i got:
Don't tell me to be silent
don't tell me to behave
don't ask me to be quiet
Im too angry!!
But while danger anger fuels my vocal volume, i want love to because anger burns up fast- even though in me it lasts and lasts. I don't hold grudges. But this feeling of anger lasts. maybe because it gives me a sense of power and control, for a little while. And after anger comes...acceptance? I wish i could just skip from anger to joy. I was so happy and then- i was so...not angry but animal--i was so animal--and then when im asked to contain my animalisticness that is when i get- when i got angry. I know i know i know this space is supposed to be about finding spirituality but dammit if i don't have a voice i don't got shit.
Recommended reading for everyone Deep Water by Jewel, Hidden Truth/ FOrbidden KNowledge by Dr. Greer
I am loud. I am singing singing singing. It's becasue
1) Im angry
2) I just got what jewel means in deep water when she says "wake up making love to a wall"
3) everything i've come up with on my own somebody else-like an entire religion for example-has come up with it first. except for a hovering vacuum cleaner.
When i asked my self why i was angry i got:
Don't tell me to be silent
don't tell me to behave
don't ask me to be quiet
Im too angry!!
But while danger anger fuels my vocal volume, i want love to because anger burns up fast- even though in me it lasts and lasts. I don't hold grudges. But this feeling of anger lasts. maybe because it gives me a sense of power and control, for a little while. And after anger comes...acceptance? I wish i could just skip from anger to joy. I was so happy and then- i was so...not angry but animal--i was so animal--and then when im asked to contain my animalisticness that is when i get- when i got angry. I know i know i know this space is supposed to be about finding spirituality but dammit if i don't have a voice i don't got shit.
Recommended reading for everyone Deep Water by Jewel, Hidden Truth/ FOrbidden KNowledge by Dr. Greer
7.06.2011
Page 46
wanted to do in his presence is punish him my life makes a lot more sense in terms of why i behaved the way i did around him.
So what to do now?
Admit all the suffering I've ever experienced at my hands or anyone else was - is -a lie.
2nd that all the suffering I've felt I cause it to myself
3rd Insist on the thought I am at ease around Johnny because I know all his rules- he is a very simple, easy animalistic man to be around
Johnny is uneasy with himself. I can't actually know this, but in the past I would have said that was true in the past.
So a part of me thinks this wont work
-how will I react to him now that I don't want to punish him.
Is it possible that i took out all my anger at my bio-dad out on johnny?
How do i act towards Johnny w/ no fear, no hate, no desire to remove him from my life Unthreatened?
Which acceptance & clarity of mind that Love is all- All is Love. What else? I guess I'm asking
So what to do now?
Admit all the suffering I've ever experienced at my hands or anyone else was - is -a lie.
2nd that all the suffering I've felt I cause it to myself
3rd Insist on the thought I am at ease around Johnny because I know all his rules- he is a very simple, easy animalistic man to be around
Johnny is uneasy with himself. I can't actually know this, but in the past I would have said that was true in the past.
So a part of me thinks this wont work
-how will I react to him now that I don't want to punish him.
Is it possible that i took out all my anger at my bio-dad out on johnny?
How do i act towards Johnny w/ no fear, no hate, no desire to remove him from my life Unthreatened?
Which acceptance & clarity of mind that Love is all- All is Love. What else? I guess I'm asking
Page 45
I've questioned the thought "Being around Johnny makes me uneasy" &found that the following is truer than the original:
1. Being around myself makes me uneasy
2. Being around me doesn't make me uneasy and most especially
3. Being around Johnny puts me at ease because I know how he will react, I know exactly how to make him mad etc. I know all his rules. Being at east around Johnny makes me feel like my home is everywhere & anywhere I want to go is home It makes me more relaxed. the only thing I don't know now because I 've ever succeeded at it is how to punish Johnny- every time I've tried I've only made my mom cry & my living situation difficult. -And that's all I'd really wanted at him was to punish him- for lots of reasons which I'll eventually question. And now that I see all I've
1. Being around myself makes me uneasy
2. Being around me doesn't make me uneasy and most especially
3. Being around Johnny puts me at ease because I know how he will react, I know exactly how to make him mad etc. I know all his rules. Being at east around Johnny makes me feel like my home is everywhere & anywhere I want to go is home It makes me more relaxed. the only thing I don't know now because I 've ever succeeded at it is how to punish Johnny- every time I've tried I've only made my mom cry & my living situation difficult. -And that's all I'd really wanted at him was to punish him- for lots of reasons which I'll eventually question. And now that I see all I've
Page 44
inner horizon as something quite close- to the self love- all love of which the mystics, Jesus, Taoists and Buddhists talk about.
Thank you & I love you forever*
*I say I love you forever now with no fear in my heart- only remembered, because I am expectationless of your opinion/ being is and fearless that saying I love you forever! brings me as much happiness if not more than if/when you say it because there is no doubt in my. Like a gently guiding force exists within me guiding me and nudging me along the path of my highest good/ desires It is a shade. flavor.cousin/smaller twin of the force that initially brought us together the first & second time- as waves crashing. The same force I read as the ace of swords in my first serious Tarot reading of myself & you when you were not yet the highest, deepest, strongest, truest love of my life.
"Seek something which death cannot destroy" - Unknown from a book by Sherri Dillard
Love Letter Number Two
Thank you & I love you forever*
*I say I love you forever now with no fear in my heart- only remembered, because I am expectationless of your opinion/ being is and fearless that saying I love you forever! brings me as much happiness if not more than if/when you say it because there is no doubt in my. Like a gently guiding force exists within me guiding me and nudging me along the path of my highest good/ desires It is a shade. flavor.cousin/smaller twin of the force that initially brought us together the first & second time- as waves crashing. The same force I read as the ace of swords in my first serious Tarot reading of myself & you when you were not yet the highest, deepest, strongest, truest love of my life.
"Seek something which death cannot destroy" - Unknown from a book by Sherri Dillard
Love Letter Number Two
Page 43
flies
write miss world
Why are flies the chosen animalistic envoys of God?
I mean of the sun- which I see as a living God- the closest one could ever come to seeing God as separate from the rest of 'creation'
Like the sun is setting now and I fear as I keep writing all day all all day that I'll miss the important thing- life.
Dear Scott,
Thank you for texting something along the lines of "Steven wants to eat you out" because I have come to a great piece using my own reaction of anger & your words as mirrors to try to see into the depths of my soul. All i can say is I am getting closer and I am genuinely grateful for everything you say & do which may cause me to react in certain ways- so called "good" or "bad". And I've also learned it's not you who gives me peace this calm -of which in the past was my highest desire besides you- But It's me. And while in the past I've called you my catalyst- you are also- exactly my mirror & I love you quite unconditionally OS I must be getting closer- in fact I feel it on the
write miss world
Why are flies the chosen animalistic envoys of God?
I mean of the sun- which I see as a living God- the closest one could ever come to seeing God as separate from the rest of 'creation'
Like the sun is setting now and I fear as I keep writing all day all all day that I'll miss the important thing- life.
Dear Scott,
Thank you for texting something along the lines of "Steven wants to eat you out" because I have come to a great piece using my own reaction of anger & your words as mirrors to try to see into the depths of my soul. All i can say is I am getting closer and I am genuinely grateful for everything you say & do which may cause me to react in certain ways- so called "good" or "bad". And I've also learned it's not you who gives me peace this calm -of which in the past was my highest desire besides you- But It's me. And while in the past I've called you my catalyst- you are also- exactly my mirror & I love you quite unconditionally OS I must be getting closer- in fact I feel it on the
Page 42
the universe - distant meteors and twice removed comets. And the parts of the universe not contained within ourselves- like hard cold rocks asteroids at the other end of space- We are related to because of the Big Bang and the superheated- faster than light explosion which sent neighboring would be atoms to opposite ends of the universe in a flash of a second.
You, Scott, are different from me and when I had made my heart hurt in the past trying to make you express yourself -your love, like me I am glad you would not play with me/it.
If you loved exactly as I love you we'd be stuck in this whole row of back & forth & round in circles & never get anywhere But you- in your not -me way stop me dead cold even before the thought of rowing-in-circles (hahaha bad pun) gets started
Sometimes I feel as if I have so too many ideas in my head that I'll never get them all down and most of the time I stop a lot of my ideas because of this but I don't think I'll do that ever again. In the future- right now for example I gently tell myself to keep at it b.c I always feel better when I'm done
You, Scott, are different from me and when I had made my heart hurt in the past trying to make you express yourself -your love, like me I am glad you would not play with me/it.
If you loved exactly as I love you we'd be stuck in this whole row of back & forth & round in circles & never get anywhere But you- in your not -me way stop me dead cold even before the thought of rowing-in-circles (hahaha bad pun) gets started
Sometimes I feel as if I have so too many ideas in my head that I'll never get them all down and most of the time I stop a lot of my ideas because of this but I don't think I'll do that ever again. In the future- right now for example I gently tell myself to keep at it b.c I always feel better when I'm done
Page 41
That's why it turns red as it sets because it is REFLECTING- Becoming the root chakra &why sunsets are shades as they are Blue/Violet farthest in the back & sunrises a reverse of process the sun emerging out of White- All consciousness light
Since Sunday & especially in Scott's presence I have felt calm. It's taken me six days to arrive at a name for this feeling I enjoy calm I feel I am myself now And for the past six days I have been becoming truer & truer to myself.
I used to stare at the sun for long stretches of time around sunset on air &car rides. And Now I sit here back at home- Nana's my childhood home finally ready, able & willing to face my unfinished business.
We came from the sun. Or at least a large part of us- our body did we have within us all part of
Since Sunday & especially in Scott's presence I have felt calm. It's taken me six days to arrive at a name for this feeling I enjoy calm I feel I am myself now And for the past six days I have been becoming truer & truer to myself.
I used to stare at the sun for long stretches of time around sunset on air &car rides. And Now I sit here back at home- Nana's my childhood home finally ready, able & willing to face my unfinished business.
We came from the sun. Or at least a large part of us- our body did we have within us all part of
Page 40 Fri
It's interesting how the characters you read live inside you become you, grow inside you perhaps though who is speaking is spirit me talking to body me and observing how utterly emotional & amazing the body's experience of life- memory- reading truly is.
Scott loves me differently from how i love him. not less- i can't quantify it- me to him compared. for all i know he could love me more then i love him. i highly doubt that & think its true at the same time so in our own way(s) we each must love each other equally
Forty pushups has become also "Thank you thank you thank you" I don't know whom Im saying it to but it does make me feel better- even great every morning- as soon as I open my eyes "Thank you thank you thank you" It makes me calm.
The sun IS our seventh chakra separate unto each and whole- wholely itself divine light
Scott loves me differently from how i love him. not less- i can't quantify it- me to him compared. for all i know he could love me more then i love him. i highly doubt that & think its true at the same time so in our own way(s) we each must love each other equally
Forty pushups has become also "Thank you thank you thank you" I don't know whom Im saying it to but it does make me feel better- even great every morning- as soon as I open my eyes "Thank you thank you thank you" It makes me calm.
The sun IS our seventh chakra separate unto each and whole- wholely itself divine light
Page 39
The Long drawn out winter
Finally Began
to show signs of shady pink
-the giggler
when stumbling to his old book
a firefly stung his nose
Quickly, the grandad melted into
a young man
never to be old again
Beneath the pages
of a book, I often look
for treasure chests & maiden's gowns
Shining for a night on the town
Finally Began
to show signs of shady pink
-the giggler
when stumbling to his old book
a firefly stung his nose
Quickly, the grandad melted into
a young man
never to be old again
Beneath the pages
of a book, I often look
for treasure chests & maiden's gowns
Shining for a night on the town
Page 37
I think I want to make a book of my poetry & then publish it maybe poems and advice
Yesterday from 6th grade
Yesterday
I was beautiful you say
"tomorrow," I say,
"will be yesterday's today."
and you reply,
"you have beautiful eyes,
and you shouldn't worry about tomorrow."
"cause now is now
and yesterday's a dream
and for today it's exactly as it seems
and btw you still have today
so i wouldn't worry about tomorrow"
I actually wrote this for Paul, one of my first really sweet nice boyfriends because I was sorry I broke up with him
Yesterday from 6th grade
Yesterday
I was beautiful you say
"tomorrow," I say,
"will be yesterday's today."
and you reply,
"you have beautiful eyes,
and you shouldn't worry about tomorrow."
"cause now is now
and yesterday's a dream
and for today it's exactly as it seems
and btw you still have today
so i wouldn't worry about tomorrow"
I actually wrote this for Paul, one of my first really sweet nice boyfriends because I was sorry I broke up with him
Page 36
CD 60 Exceptional Children in Child Development
1 in 5 special need
Why inclusion is important?
Why should we include all children in a natural setting?
Scott: " Are you okay?"
S----: "Yes I'm quite alright, I just don't need you to love me anymore." :)
Special Needs - working w/ children --less prejudice from children
1 in 5 special need
Why inclusion is important?
Why should we include all children in a natural setting?
Scott: " Are you okay?"
S----: "Yes I'm quite alright, I just don't need you to love me anymore." :)
Special Needs - working w/ children --less prejudice from children
Page 35
S----= Sahasrara + Hipster
I am spirit in Physical
God is here.
Each day the Plan for my Highest Good unfolds.
I live in the Here and Now in Joy and Harmony. I witness the Divine in the Mundane.
Light caressing the organs
I have finally found love and it wasn't what I thought it would look like Loving to much to care Living right here and right now Laughter is the ultimate cure and the wisdom of Life.
One of the best presents I've ever had is a small flower.
Sketch: The baby is happy. There are clams on the beach. The tide goes in and out & it is low enough for her to cross she opens the clams and they are the wishes and dreams that grow and multiply unfolding with the slightest touch of Light/Air.
I am spirit in Physical
God is here.
Each day the Plan for my Highest Good unfolds.
I live in the Here and Now in Joy and Harmony. I witness the Divine in the Mundane.
Light caressing the organs
I have finally found love and it wasn't what I thought it would look like Loving to much to care Living right here and right now Laughter is the ultimate cure and the wisdom of Life.
One of the best presents I've ever had is a small flower.
Sketch: The baby is happy. There are clams on the beach. The tide goes in and out & it is low enough for her to cross she opens the clams and they are the wishes and dreams that grow and multiply unfolding with the slightest touch of Light/Air.
Page 34
Sherrie Dillord
I am a spiritual intuitive
When we repress emotion we read them in someone else- psychological projection
Ability to be unbiased leads to increased clarity
to bless & release another with the highest love we have
One time I found who had stolen the money but also that they had needed it more than the ppl they took it from so i didn't tell anyone what i knew until four or five YEARS later
Seek something which death cannot destroy=> the ace of swords! nirvana/love/energy/spirit
"I am....Sahasrara
"You will go to Africa to build schools & libraries"
college====> tutoring now===> Africa Schools
"everything in your life adds up to this moment construction, appreciation, of hard work, tutoring, appreciation of knowledge and willingness to help others. Help Others, help yourself I leave you in the light and love of the one infinite creator Adonai"
I am a spiritual intuitive
When we repress emotion we read them in someone else- psychological projection
Ability to be unbiased leads to increased clarity
to bless & release another with the highest love we have
One time I found who had stolen the money but also that they had needed it more than the ppl they took it from so i didn't tell anyone what i knew until four or five YEARS later
Seek something which death cannot destroy=> the ace of swords! nirvana/love/energy/spirit
"I am....Sahasrara
"You will go to Africa to build schools & libraries"
college====> tutoring now===> Africa Schools
"everything in your life adds up to this moment construction, appreciation, of hard work, tutoring, appreciation of knowledge and willingness to help others. Help Others, help yourself I leave you in the light and love of the one infinite creator Adonai"
Page 33
Let me love you baby let me love you
You're just so good and so true
Dear Yacoub,
I WANT TO BE ALLOWED TO LOVE!
All you gotta do is watch (watch me) look what I can do with my feet Baby feel the beat in time It's like I only got one night Double the pleasure Double the fun and Dance forever, forever, forever, Forever on the dance floor
You're just so good and so true
Dear Yacoub,
I WANT TO BE ALLOWED TO LOVE!
All you gotta do is watch (watch me) look what I can do with my feet Baby feel the beat in time It's like I only got one night Double the pleasure Double the fun and Dance forever, forever, forever, Forever on the dance floor
Page 32
relationships I won't play pretend- I -care on the phone.
What started as a wish to keep friends turned into a habit.
And I still felt lonely bc I was the one that was making all the calls- or at least it felt that way.
So from now on no phone calls unless I actually want to talk for hours on the phone w/ people or hang out w/ them
Ta-da
I need your love- is that true?
Yes, b/c I almost died when he didn't
Oh
I need to love you to stay alive
Is that true?
YES
:)
What started as a wish to keep friends turned into a habit.
And I still felt lonely bc I was the one that was making all the calls- or at least it felt that way.
So from now on no phone calls unless I actually want to talk for hours on the phone w/ people or hang out w/ them
Ta-da
I need your love- is that true?
Yes, b/c I almost died when he didn't
Oh
I need to love you to stay alive
Is that true?
YES
:)
Page 31 Sat
Traveling the world with Dad - A Year with my father- would be amazing. My distance learning school- I could go n.e. where in the world with him & study.
AIHT
10 courses- do I take them all at the same time or one at a time or just a few?
(Sunday was SF G Pride + 40 pushups)
Mon
40 pushups
what if my relationship w scott is just a replacement for Mike I've had this thought before in Middleschool also that's when I complained to mom that Shawn & I had drifted apart & that's when she said that relationships take work like calling & hanging out on a regular basis
I pickup the phone & the responsibility of all my relationship that day I got home.
Today I am putting it away.
I won't worry about or try to control my
AIHT
10 courses- do I take them all at the same time or one at a time or just a few?
(Sunday was SF G Pride + 40 pushups)
Mon
40 pushups
what if my relationship w scott is just a replacement for Mike I've had this thought before in Middleschool also that's when I complained to mom that Shawn & I had drifted apart & that's when she said that relationships take work like calling & hanging out on a regular basis
I pickup the phone & the responsibility of all my relationship that day I got home.
Today I am putting it away.
I won't worry about or try to control my
Page 30 Friday
Omega Institute ?
40 PUSHUPS no more no less
you know what I just realized? One could totally cheat their way through college and still have the skills to excel in a life after college that they needed a degree to get into.
"You've been lawyered"
Sitcoms - a day to day history of semi-real events
Life
-everlasting day
The small choices don't matter . don't count unless they are made over and over again until they constitute one large choice or a large choice that defines one's life.
CALL YACOUB
CALL TINA
B
BEAUTIFUL
40 PUSHUPS no more no less
you know what I just realized? One could totally cheat their way through college and still have the skills to excel in a life after college that they needed a degree to get into.
"You've been lawyered"
Sitcoms - a day to day history of semi-real events
Life
-everlasting day
The small choices don't matter . don't count unless they are made over and over again until they constitute one large choice or a large choice that defines one's life.
CALL YACOUB
CALL TINA
B
BEAUTIFUL
Page 29 AIHT
10 Courses
1. A study of prophetic gifts 1
2. A study of Angels
3. Spiritual Renewal Through Past-Life Regression
4. Astrology & Spirituality 1
5. A Comparative Study of Paranormal Phenomena & Spirituality 1
6. Theraputic Prayer
7. Jung and the Divine 1
8. Labyrinths : A Walking Prayer
9. Taoism & Feng Shui
10. Buddhism & Karma
1. A study of prophetic gifts 1
2. A study of Angels
3. Spiritual Renewal Through Past-Life Regression
4. Astrology & Spirituality 1
5. A Comparative Study of Paranormal Phenomena & Spirituality 1
6. Theraputic Prayer
7. Jung and the Divine 1
8. Labyrinths : A Walking Prayer
9. Taoism & Feng Shui
10. Buddhism & Karma
Page 27- 28
[Insert: A couple of taped letters from Unity, they say things like " We will pray for your brother and father with you. The love of God enfolds you"]
all life is a maze through which you must find your own path
AIHT cont.
paranormal phenomenon &spirituality
Taoism/feng shui
BA in Alternate Spiritual Traditions
+ BMS 113 Jung and the Diving 1 (about emptiness
??possibly + BA in Holistic Health & Spiritual Care
A STUDY OF
PROPHETIC
GIFTS 1
Birmingham, Alabama- except NO place to go- no campus
UNITY VILLAGE charges $34.50 a night
that's $310.50 for 8 weeks?!
all life is a maze through which you must find your own path
AIHT cont.
paranormal phenomenon &spirituality
Taoism/feng shui
BA in Alternate Spiritual Traditions
+ BMS 113 Jung and the Diving 1 (about emptiness
??possibly + BA in Holistic Health & Spiritual Care
A STUDY OF
PROPHETIC
GIFTS 1
Birmingham, Alabama- except NO place to go- no campus
UNITY VILLAGE charges $34.50 a night
that's $310.50 for 8 weeks?!
Page 26
Plan
go to school near Missouri- Midwest or somewhere else in CA
School description"
intuition psychic energy healing medium
in fall or spring or winter
Financial?
I came to this conclusion all by myself w/ no help from B.K's "I need your love- Is that true?" which I was right about to read so I could get out of this funk.
Now I'm researching schools
Barbara Brennan School of Healing
South Florida
hands on healing
scientific & metaphysical to expl human experience
anatomy
about 8000 per yr
American Institute of Holistic Theology
emptiness as an area of study, children & spiritual guidance, grief & loss, a study of prophets, angels, past life regression, a course in miracles, labyrinths: walking prayer,
go to school near Missouri- Midwest or somewhere else in CA
School description"
intuition psychic energy healing medium
in fall or spring or winter
Financial?
I came to this conclusion all by myself w/ no help from B.K's "I need your love- Is that true?" which I was right about to read so I could get out of this funk.
Now I'm researching schools
Barbara Brennan School of Healing
South Florida
hands on healing
scientific & metaphysical to expl human experience
anatomy
about 8000 per yr
American Institute of Holistic Theology
emptiness as an area of study, children & spiritual guidance, grief & loss, a study of prophets, angels, past life regression, a course in miracles, labyrinths: walking prayer,
Page 25
I either fear everything or I fear nothing (For) I am S----, THE
LAUGHING
FORTY PUSH UPS TUES
Terror'd'actor
Forty Pushups
LAUGHING
FORTY PUSH UPS TUES
Terror'd'actor
Forty Pushups
Page 24
I want to dance in
slimming silk
a tight red dress
cocktail in one hand
smile on m lips
my feet in broken glass
I don't care
the pain feels nice
like cold ice
6th Grade I wrote a song about pain & knives. Freshman year college I sing a song about dead and hopeless & knives. I want to have wings. I want to fly. I want happiness. I want the power to control my own life.
OPPOSITES
-I have the power
-I am happy
-I can fly
[Below this writing an elf on a moon is inked in, she is covered from head to toe in the the words cut, kill, and More. Beside her head is a diamond pattern an arrow pointing to it says : I seem to draw this symbol a lot lately.]
slimming silk
a tight red dress
cocktail in one hand
smile on m lips
my feet in broken glass
I don't care
the pain feels nice
like cold ice
6th Grade I wrote a song about pain & knives. Freshman year college I sing a song about dead and hopeless & knives. I want to have wings. I want to fly. I want happiness. I want the power to control my own life.
OPPOSITES
-I have the power
-I am happy
-I can fly
[Below this writing an elf on a moon is inked in, she is covered from head to toe in the the words cut, kill, and More. Beside her head is a diamond pattern an arrow pointing to it says : I seem to draw this symbol a lot lately.]
Page 23
8 Reasons Why I'd Cut My arm
- It'd be pretty
-warm
-good pain
-wet
-satisfied
-desire DESIRE Desire
-good mess
-one step closer to sings
8 Reasons Why I wouldn't cut it
- shouldn't
-painful
-bad mess
-it's stupid, really
-some part of me kill
-i have yet tobegin to live
- fuck cutting im gonna CUT YOU my enemies
I Want to take the knife
and slowly, carefully en pointe
slide it through
the upper layers
of
my skin.
the blood would well
and begin to flow
slowly, drip by drip
as if fro man ever lasting
eternal spring
a drop on the carpet
a band aid on my arm
all is well again
a little pain, no harm
- It'd be pretty
-warm
-good pain
-wet
-satisfied
-desire DESIRE Desire
-good mess
-one step closer to sings
8 Reasons Why I wouldn't cut it
- shouldn't
-painful
-bad mess
-it's stupid, really
-some part of me kill
-i have yet tobegin to live
- fuck cutting im gonna CUT YOU my enemies
I Want to take the knife
and slowly, carefully en pointe
slide it through
the upper layers
of
my skin.
the blood would well
and begin to flow
slowly, drip by drip
as if fro man ever lasting
eternal spring
a drop on the carpet
a band aid on my arm
all is well again
a little pain, no harm
Page 22
Her there is a few colored pencil sketches of Love, Tears, and Blood spelled out with Fingers and a Bird flying into a Waterfall of Blood, below this in pink coloured pencil it reads:
like semen like sperm
my blood will flow
a thousand drops
a million more
like semen like sperm
my blood will flow
a thousand drops
a million more
Page 21
I almost crap..this is going to hurt. Cut Myself yesterday & today
I hate I don't want to write what I am writing
U ARE SO BEAUTIFUL 2 ME
I just remembered my first pain addiction was wax dripping onto/into my skin over my hands and wrist & forearms and hot pavement OR hard stones on my bare feet.
Molly's house- the best place to be
WHO SINGS STUTTERING and wars bare feet?
FORTY PUSHUPS
Hospital knife white out
Dad needle, Mrs. Peck Blackout
I hate I don't want to write what I am writing
U ARE SO BEAUTIFUL 2 ME
I just remembered my first pain addiction was wax dripping onto/into my skin over my hands and wrist & forearms and hot pavement OR hard stones on my bare feet.
Molly's house- the best place to be
WHO SINGS STUTTERING and wars bare feet?
FORTY PUSHUPS
Hospital knife white out
Dad needle, Mrs. Peck Blackout
Page 20
myself to blame for the state I'm in today and now dieing doesn't seem so cruel
Whattayado when you look in the mirror and staring at you is why he's not here
I will not make my heart so I've learned the hard way
the same mistakes much misery to never let it get that far
that you did I will not break
I will not let they way you did IM FORCED TO FAKE A SMILE,
myself cause you fell so hard A LAUGH, EVERYDAY OF MY LIFE
MY HEART CAN'T POSSIBLY BREAK WHEN IT WASN'T EVEN WHOLE TO START WITH
---> I watched you die/ I heard you cry every night in your sleep I was so young/ you should have known better than to lean on me/ B.O.Y. I try my hardest just to fuck up everything/ B.O.Y. i don't know how to let N.E. 1 else in/ B.O.Y. im ashamed of my life B/C it's empty / B.O.Y. I AM AFRIAD/ B.O.Y.
~~~~~~~~she's never enough but still he's more than I can take~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I THINK Drug of Choice?
I Singing-->/PAIN/<--Numbness
SHOULD Bad Experience(s)?
GO Rape/Incest/Prostitution
LIVE Hobbies?
IN A Reading, K.C. Breakaway
HALFWAY Necessities?
HOUSE 40 push ups a day, journaling
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
mo lyriks: i used to stand so tall/ i used to be so strong/ now all that's left of me/ is what i pretend to be/ sewn together but so broken up inside/ cause i can't breathe/ no i can't sleep/ i''m barely hanging on/ here i am once again/ i'm torn into pieces/ can't deny it / can't pretend/ swallow me then spit me out/ for hating you I blame myself/ no i don't cry / on the outside anymore [okay her actual word is so but sewn is so much more visual]
I'm cold stone numb no emotions writing this: (and the above)
Yacoub says
-Be like Symba and you shall sleep
-there was an 8 yr old girl that something really bad happened to & Everyone made a really big deal about what happened.
The girl was too young until 6 years later she got the vocabulary & it hit her. She is now 21 & still in for hears of therapy/ist/s counseling/ She says she can't tell the difference between her memories, what ppl thought, what she thinks now & what they think now- which is true? which is real?
- YACOUB Says: How do you feel? That is the truth, that is real- it doesn't matter if the thoughts are real or not. Feel what you feel- that is the truth that is real
---the girl is not me but her story is similar to mine- what Yacoub say'd had never occurred to me before - they felt good to hear, they made me cry
no more than forty, no less.
FORTY PUSH UPS A DAY DONE SUN
FUU...
Whattayado when you look in the mirror and staring at you is why he's not here
I will not make my heart so I've learned the hard way
the same mistakes much misery to never let it get that far
that you did I will not break
I will not let they way you did IM FORCED TO FAKE A SMILE,
myself cause you fell so hard A LAUGH, EVERYDAY OF MY LIFE
MY HEART CAN'T POSSIBLY BREAK WHEN IT WASN'T EVEN WHOLE TO START WITH
---> I watched you die/ I heard you cry every night in your sleep I was so young/ you should have known better than to lean on me/ B.O.Y. I try my hardest just to fuck up everything/ B.O.Y. i don't know how to let N.E. 1 else in/ B.O.Y. im ashamed of my life B/C it's empty / B.O.Y. I AM AFRIAD/ B.O.Y.
~~~~~~~~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I THINK Drug of Choice?
I Singing-->/PAIN/<--Numbness
SHOULD Bad Experience(s)?
GO Rape/Incest/Prostitution
LIVE Hobbies?
IN A Reading, K.C. Breakaway
HALFWAY Necessities?
HOUSE 40 push ups a day, journaling
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
mo lyriks: i used to stand so tall/ i used to be so strong/ now all that's left of me/ is what i pretend to be/ sewn together but so broken up inside/ cause i can't breathe/ no i can't sleep/ i''m barely hanging on/ here i am once again/ i'm torn into pieces/ can't deny it / can't pretend/ swallow me then spit me out/ for hating you I blame myself/ no i don't cry / on the outside anymore [okay her actual word is so but sewn is so much more visual]
I'm cold stone numb no emotions writing this: (and the above)
Yacoub says
-Be like Symba and you shall sleep
-there was an 8 yr old girl that something really bad happened to & Everyone made a really big deal about what happened.
The girl was too young until 6 years later she got the vocabulary & it hit her. She is now 21 & still in for hears of therapy/ist/s counseling/ She says she can't tell the difference between her memories, what ppl thought, what she thinks now & what they think now- which is true? which is real?
- YACOUB Says: How do you feel? That is the truth, that is real- it doesn't matter if the thoughts are real or not. Feel what you feel- that is the truth that is real
---the girl is not me but her story is similar to mine- what Yacoub say'd had never occurred to me before - they felt good to hear, they made me cry
no more than forty, no less.
FORTY PUSH UPS A DAY DONE SUN
FUU...
Page 19
know I m back to zero.
My life isn't separated into annual years but these are years to me each: (--- = year )
MONTH AT Nana's (good)
---
First Qtr of College (sucked)
----
Winter Break from Hell
----
College Jan -> June (Barely alive)
---
Alaska (starting to Live)
----
Soph Yr of College (Taking Baby Steps)
----
SCOTT (My first Breath of Air, Touch of Realness, LIFE)
---
THIS WEEK (Tues-Sat) IT HAS BEEN A YEAR (DEATH FIGHT, endless night, w/ no partying)
---
------------------------K.C. Lyrics-------------------------------------------------------------------
Hear me, Hear me,
You gotta be out there
You gotta be somewhere
There are those nights when
I sing myself to sleep
Im cryin out turn my world upsidedown funny
I need you to see I screaming for you to , please, Hear Me
I need someone to understand
No One to talk, to hold you [ Can you Hear Me?]
Is this a dream, if it
is please don't wake me from this
high, I'd become comfortably numb
(until you opened up my eyes
to what it's like when everything's right...)
I woke up today, woke up wide awake, in an empty bed staring at an empty room, I have
My life isn't separated into annual years but these are years to me each: (--- = year )
MONTH AT Nana's (good)
---
First Qtr of College (sucked)
----
Winter Break from Hell
----
College Jan -> June (Barely alive)
---
Alaska (starting to Live)
----
Soph Yr of College (Taking Baby Steps)
----
SCOTT (My first Breath of Air, Touch of Realness, LIFE)
---
THIS WEEK (Tues-Sat) IT HAS BEEN A YEAR (DEATH FIGHT, endless night, w/ no partying)
---
------------------------K.C. Lyrics-------------------------------------------------------------------
Hear me, Hear me,
You gotta be out there
You gotta be somewhere
There are those nights when
I sing myself to sleep
Im cryin out turn my world upsidedown funny
I need you to see I screaming for you to , please, Hear Me
I need someone to understand
No One to talk, to hold you [ Can you Hear Me?]
Is this a dream, if it
is please don't wake me from this
high, I'd become comfortably numb
(until you opened up my eyes
to what it's like when everything's right...)
I woke up today, woke up wide awake, in an empty bed staring at an empty room, I have
Page 18
it at all and gently tell him ask it to his face. Gently.
In My Life I've blamed a lot of people for what I've gone/been/seen/through. It's just me though- Maybe, probably I was BORN THIS WAY , & MY <3 WAS NEVER EVEN WHOLE TO START W.
The only person I blame is myself It is all my fault. But seriously, all the tracks on that fucking album speak to some part of me.
I WANT TO PRINT (Gah writing like my Bio-Father) out the lyrics and paste them here- not all of them- but the one I identify with.
I am the only person I hate.
Once I started getting help it had taken me 2 years to get to where I was at- I was actually blissfully happy compared to now. Sure I was emotional & had triggers but it was happy sadness because I knew at that time it was the healing of a happy ending. That was last week. Then I ate a whole weed pop- maybe O.D.'d on it- and the next thing I
In My Life I've blamed a lot of people for what I've gone/been/seen/through. It's just me though- Maybe, probably I was BORN THIS WAY , & MY <3 WAS NEVER EVEN WHOLE TO START W.
The only person I blame is myself It is all my fault. But seriously, all the tracks on that fucking album speak to some part of me.
I WANT TO PRINT (Gah writing like my Bio-Father) out the lyrics and paste them here- not all of them- but the one I identify with.
I am the only person I hate.
Once I started getting help it had taken me 2 years to get to where I was at- I was actually blissfully happy compared to now. Sure I was emotional & had triggers but it was happy sadness because I knew at that time it was the healing of a happy ending. That was last week. Then I ate a whole weed pop- maybe O.D.'d on it- and the next thing I
Page 17
No, I can't write that There are things that hurt too much to write down. Things that would help me if someone read about it. but
Not I can't write it's name okay I'm going to writ it But I will experience a great amount of pain writing it. Writing it will help
I am writing too much.
Each time I write it gets closer to the truth
Kelly Clarkson, her first album, Breakaway helped me helps me, is my thoughts to myself. To you at you at me
Here are the track titles that mean the most to me. Ah. Pain.
1. Breakaway
Especially 7. Where is Your Heart
9. You Found Me (obviously about scott & me, but it's a dream now ah. i'm writing too much again)
10. I Hate Myself For Losing You
Especially 11. Hear Me
&12. Beautiful Disaster (Live)
also at times 6. Addicted, 3. Behind These Hazel Eyes & 4. Because of You (It's the track that got me hooked on the CD)
Here is something else I shouldn't write.
Because He'll Read IT. Maybe I won't write
Not I can't write it's name okay I'm going to writ it But I will experience a great amount of pain writing it. Writing it will help
I am writing too much.
Each time I write it gets closer to the truth
Kelly Clarkson, her first album, Breakaway helped me helps me, is my thoughts to myself. To you at you at me
Here are the track titles that mean the most to me. Ah. Pain.
1. Breakaway
Especially 7. Where is Your Heart
9. You Found Me (obviously about scott & me, but it's a dream now ah. i'm writing too much again)
10. I Hate Myself For Losing You
Especially 11. Hear Me
&12. Beautiful Disaster (Live)
also at times 6. Addicted, 3. Behind These Hazel Eyes & 4. Because of You (It's the track that got me hooked on the CD)
Here is something else I shouldn't write.
Because He'll Read IT. Maybe I won't write
Page 16
that's right I just called my ex-bestfriend's house and told them to turn the music down. Motherfuckers! So if anyone asks- it was me. I hold the POWER!
Hell Yes.
Now If only I could
-Learn how to fly
- Be in a state of Mind where there is No Suffering
Tell Mom Scott's Dad -CPU- Computer Designs connections between CPU and Comp
Don't Do more than 4orty
Don't Do Less than 4orty
oreos or some version of them are exactly what I like
GOD MY HEART HURTS IT HAS MOST OF TODAY.
Sp close to faeryland & so shrouded like in a cloud blanket of fear
Hell Yes.
-Learn how to fly
- Be in a state of Mind where there is No Suffering
Tell Mom Scott's Dad -CPU- Computer Designs connections between CPU and Comp
Don't Do more than 4orty
Don't Do Less than 4orty
oreos or some version of them are exactly what I like
GOD MY HEART HURTS IT HAS MOST OF TODAY.
Sp close to faeryland & so shrouded like in a cloud blanket of fear
Page 15- Sat - Now I get it- When Im
happy I'm in a state of forgetfulness or pleasure
TO 4ORTY PUSHUPS A DAY
SCOTT: chips & salsa
Thank you tea- all-day
for leaving me I have a mental disease -of the anxiety disorder sort- post traumatic stress disorder
b/c every time
you walk out Children can even become that way in the wombs of their mothers. There are about
that door 30 different prescribed drugs you can take to treat it but no known cure
I get a little also it (the interned medicinenet or something) said it can come w/ BPD bit stronger Borderline Personality Disorder or OCD
Still nauseous
Stillseeing bad tired beyond all reason but trying to find/ feel the good
take out the trash
call your bio-father
TO 4ORTY PUSHUPS A DAY
SCOTT: chips & salsa
Thank you tea- all-day
for leaving me I have a mental disease -of the anxiety disorder sort- post traumatic stress disorder
b/c every time
you walk out Children can even become that way in the wombs of their mothers. There are about
that door 30 different prescribed drugs you can take to treat it but no known cure
I get a little also it (the interned medicinenet or something) said it can come w/ BPD bit stronger Borderline Personality Disorder or OCD
Still nauseous
Still
take out the trash
call your bio-father
Page 14- Forty Pushups Fri
Raging at everything Raging, Raging, Raging. Writing too much- the pages are being used up too fast.
AND WHO AM I FUCKING WRITING THIS FOR?
Destruction or Battle? --If I hate it I do not touch it. my Body is better than my mind my mind should belong in a penniless, homeless --------- . But my body is a slave to my mind, it deserves better than this .
I am not my body, but I thank & love my body that it is housing me.
I made a really good decision today. I called Yacoub
Things I did not say to Scott tonight:
I'm hurting & I'm scared
Things I did not say to Scott tonight:
I'm hurting & I'm scared
Page 13
What happened , What the fuck happened to me that one day I woke up dead & started prostituting myself?
I could have stopped But I didn't
[Below this is a large picture of a heart with a question mark through it. Like
Also can someone please tell me how to find joy?
I could have stopped But I didn't
[Below this is a large picture of a heart with a question mark through it. Like
Also can someone please tell me how to find joy?
Page Twelve
[This is written sideways, but transcribed here as accurately as possible.]
Here is the story . when I was young I prostituted myself. I don't know why. And if it wasn't for real i did it in my head . It started before my parents were divorced & I don't know where I got the idea from. (maybe being xtra sensitive I just knew their need and it doubled, tripled, quadrupled my own) I prostituted myself or they raped me- same story.
(The lines are screams of nails on a chalkboard)
I've been internally screaming for most of my life- I'm so fucked up.
Here is the story . when I was young I prostituted myself. I don't know why. And if it wasn't for real i did it in my head . It started before my parents were divorced & I don't know where I got the idea from. (maybe being xtra sensitive I just knew their need and it doubled, tripled, quadrupled my own) I prostituted myself or they raped me- same story.
(The lines are screams of nails on a chalkboard)
I've been internally screaming for most of my life- I'm so fucked up.
Page Eleven
And It hurts when you believe me
makes me want to take back my words
because I want you more than anything
I want you more than anything else
I don't hate, I hurt
I don't hate you, I'm hurting
I'm pushing you away
to try and save you from myself
But I want you more than anything
I want you more than anything else
I'm slamming the fridge door
because I want it more than anything
The highest high more than anything else
I'm stashing my knives
becasue I want ti more than anything
the blood run more than anything else
I grab you, hold you w/ all my strength
kiss your face I breath again
B/c I have you over everything I've done
you're here
I breath, I kiss your face
B/c I need you more than anything
I love you more than anything else
makes me want to take back my words
because I want you more than anything
I want you more than anything else
I don't hate, I hurt
I don't hate you, I'm hurting
I'm pushing you away
to try and save you from myself
But I want you more than anything
I want you more than anything else
I'm slamming the fridge door
because I want it more than anything
The highest high more than anything else
I'm stashing my knives
becasue I want ti more than anything
the blood run more than anything else
I grab you, hold you w/ all my strength
kiss your face I breath again
B/c I have you over everything I've done
you're here
I breath, I kiss your face
B/c I need you more than anything
I love you more than anything else
Page Ten
Give psych eval request to mom. Forget about the people who've left you. love their memories IT HURTS Love Yourself ICANT WONT NOT LIKE love yourself
WHY? Goddamit, why?
I feel like shit but I'm dong shit
anyway.
God I hate writing- it makes me want to puke
vulnerability- emotions
- I just want to fly
Why am I such a head case if I've never been addicted to any drugs except love & food?
OK, I'll give affirmations a try
so as I can get to fly
stupid song stuck in my head
this is not that song:
I'm pushing you away
B/c I want you more than anything
I want you more than anything else
I'm breaking my plate
B/c I want you more than anything
I want you more than anything else
WHY? Goddamit, why?
I feel like shit but I'm dong shit
anyway.
God I hate writing- it makes me want to puke
vulnerability- emotions
- I just want to fly
Why am I such a head case if I've never been addicted to any drugs except love & food?
OK, I'll give affirmations a try
so as I can get to fly
stupid song stuck in my head
this is not that song:
I'm pushing you away
B/c I want you more than anything
I want you more than anything else
I'm breaking my plate
B/c I want you more than anything
I want you more than anything else
Page Nine
Scott ,
I feel like punching you. You are
the only person I have ever loved this so
deep this passionately. I hate you . I love
you . I hate you because you make me
love you & loving you makes me vulnerable
and vulnerability makes me emotions
come out so as soon as you walk
out that door I'm in pain - but
not from loving you , from other places
and times .
You are my catalyst . I mean that socio-
energetic-biological-ness of you is a
trigger for the Deep Deep Deep Love, Longing
in me. When I say I hate you I'm
scared that Ilove feel too much .
Most of my life I haven't allowed my
Gate to open to that flood
It's worth it, though, opening my gate
to you, pretending I hate you . Seriously
I could never hate you , though sometimes
I want to eat you but that has
nothing to do with hate.
I will never try to show you this letter but if
I had a name for it I'd call it "love Letter
Number One"
Love,
S----
p.s. Do you feel like punching me sometimes, too?
I feel like punching you. You are
the only person I have ever loved this so
deep this passionately. I hate you . I love
you . I hate you because you make me
love you & loving you makes me vulnerable
and vulnerability makes me emotions
come out so as soon as you walk
out that door I'm in pain - but
not from loving you , from other places
and times .
You are my catalyst . I mean that socio-
energetic-biological-ness of you is a
trigger for the Deep Deep Deep Love, Longing
in me. When I say I hate you I'm
scared that I
Most of my life I haven't allowed my
Gate to open to that flood
It's worth it, though, opening my gate
to you, pretending I hate you . Seriously
I could never hate you , though sometimes
I want to eat you but that has
nothing to do with hate.
I will never try to show you this letter but if
I had a name for it I'd call it "love Letter
Number One"
Love,
S----
p.s. Do you feel like punching me sometimes, too?
Page Eight
Why am I writing this fucking book?
Tell mom I have to get psychoanalyzed & IQ test
Dream was: Mom was running away from me, the robot alien didn't work so I couldn't find her, A stupid guy stole my doll.
Why do I keep it around?
Can't let go of childhood?
In my whole life with all the places I've been & lived my doll & blanket have been my only two possestions which have stayed w/ me -everything else has
changed.
Fell like Throwing up, Sleeping, Reading,
Eating, Starving but mostly Puking.
I'm not going to though. Not Yet
Friday- I'm sick, I leave the house on
Sunday
I will fight this & love this sick-ness
I will become proud of my dis-ease
Sooner of Later I will understand
Why I have/had it , why it makes me, me
Then As soon as I make my
mind bend, I'll learn,
I'm learning how to fly
Give me some wings or a shit load of
fresh air
And sooner or later you'll fly
Tell mom I have to get psychoanalyzed & IQ test
Dream was: Mom was running away from me, the robot alien didn't work so I couldn't find her, A stupid guy stole my doll.
Why do I keep it around?
Can't let go of childhood?
In my whole life with all the places I've been & lived my doll & blanket have been my only two possestions which have stayed w/ me -everything else has
changed.
Fell like Throwing up, Sleeping, Reading,
Eating, Starving but mostly Puking.
I'm not going to though. Not Yet
Friday- I'm sick, I leave the house on
Sunday
I will fight this & love this sick-ness
I will become proud of my dis-ease
Sooner of Later I will understand
Why I have/had it , why it makes me, me
Then As soon as I make my
mind bend, I'll learn,
I'm learning how to fly
Give me some wings or a shit load of
fresh air
And sooner or later you'll fly
Page Seven
bench & wraps His Loving Arm around
me while I cried.
When I die
Bury me in the air.
Give me wings, too, Angels
or at least the knack to fly.
I have everything I've ever wanted
now I want to know how to
fly.
below this is a picture of a girl/women smiling, arms outstretched, floating above her homestead
forty pushups (a day)
tell mom: I need to get a psych eval & IQ test
me while I cried.
When I die
Bury me in the air.
Give me wings, too, Angels
or at least the knack to fly.
I have everything I've ever wanted
now I want to know how to
fly.
below this is a picture of a girl/women smiling, arms outstretched, floating above her homestead
forty pushups (a day)
tell mom: I need to get a psych eval & IQ test
Page Six
to find a humming birds nest Yacoub is
the one that I was named for like Zaphod
sprinkle some of my ashes there Beeblebrox &
When I die Jubal
surround me with birds
surround me with birds
the bringers of hope & song
the bringers of hope & song
below this is a picture of a woman/girl walking gently, arms out stretched, in the eye of a dust devil of birds flying in and around her
Suicide, death, hospitals don't
scare me
What scares me most- and what I have learned to deal with are the nightmares, the beings from other dimensions and the depth of my own pain- I have only experienced tow depths greater [pause] the depth of my insatiable-quasi(?) longing for scott (an abyss - where the end is not in sight, but is assumed it has one) & the Eternal Love of God- the He that Sits next to me on the Church
the one that I was named for like Zaphod
sprinkle some of my ashes there Beeblebrox &
When I die Jubal
surround me with birds
surround me with birds
the bringers of hope & song
the bringers of hope & song
below this is a picture of a woman/girl walking gently, arms out stretched, in the eye of a dust devil of birds flying in and around her
Suicide, death, hospitals don't
scare me
What scares me most- and what I have learned to deal with are the nightmares, the beings from other dimensions and the depth of my own pain- I have only experienced tow depths greater [pause] the depth of my insatiable-quasi(?) longing for scott (an abyss - where the end is not in sight, but is assumed it has one) & the Eternal Love of God- the He that Sits next to me on the Church
Page Five
Maybe I, too, will elan how to Pilot the sky,
Stop thinking about suicide,
Stop being addicted to ... what is it
exactly- pain?
Maybe I'm not addicted to it, though, maybe there is just a lot of it in me and Expressing it makes me feel good- in a way. Even though I'm in pain when I'm expressing it.
The closest I've come to
expressing my pain in a
positive way is that one
time I sung for Bill.
Whoever I'm writing to, I hope you're
listening.
I wrote a song today (to the tune of "Fly Away")
When I die
surround me with birds
surround me with birds
The bringers of song and hope
When I die
put my ashes in the trees
dust my body into the nests
of the sparrow or the wren
Doesn't matter to me- any bird will do
and if you're luckey enough
Stop thinking about suicide,
Stop being addicted to ... what is it
exactly- pain?
Maybe I'm not addicted to it, though, maybe there is just a lot of it in me and Expressing it makes me feel good- in a way. Even though I'm in pain when I'm expressing it.
The closest I've come to
expressing my pain in a
positive way is that one
time I sung for Bill.
Whoever I'm writing to, I hope you're
listening.
I wrote a song today (to the tune of "Fly Away")
When I die
surround me with birds
surround me with birds
The bringers of song and hope
When I die
put my ashes in the trees
dust my body into the nests
of the sparrow or the wren
Doesn't matter to me- any bird will do
and if you're luckey enough
Page Four - Book
Forty pushups a day, in two sets of
twenty, on impulse
Goal -? - Be like my father
Be a Breakdancer : aka
Finish the 20 NONE
get nice abs
I don't know why I'm writing except
I thought I should write forty pushups
a day down somewhere
A Million Little Pieces is the closest
I've ever come to an author going
inside my head & showing me the
thoughts I think/thought on paper.
I have never wanted anything
except rescue.
I have always wanted to fly
But I'd take telekinesis as a second
place.
This Author gets bulimia w/ out
calling is a problem - his reasons for it
were mine when I had it.
May be after I get through this book, I'll start
to heal.
I hope I can rule my own world for a
change.
twenty, on impulse
Goal -? - Be like my father
Be a Breakdancer : aka
Finish the 20 NONE
get nice abs
I don't know why I'm writing except
I thought I should write forty pushups
a day down somewhere
A Million Little Pieces is the closest
I've ever come to an author going
inside my head & showing me the
thoughts I think/thought on paper.
I have never wanted anything
except rescue.
I have always wanted to fly
But I'd take telekinesis as a second
place.
This Author gets bulimia w/ out
calling is a problem - his reasons for it
were mine when I had it.
May be after I get through this book, I'll start
to heal.
I hope I can rule my own world for a
change.
Page Three
There is a page of wrinkled wax paper, used to wrap bagels in carefully taped to the page. On the old paper there is a sun rising/setting over a great expanse of water, drawn in almost-dried out green Exxpo marker and blue ink. The sun rays make it look like a turtle. On the back, hastily scribbled, it reads:
Why is that whenever I pick up a pen to sketch something
i end up drawing that sun hanging on the horizon?
It's on my mom's Bag, It was on my wall for a
couple years...and now it's here.
What am I trying to tell myself?
[It's ripped here, but it looks like is says] House of the Rising Sun
behind the attatchment lays a single grey feather.
Why is that whenever I pick up a pen to sketch something
i end up drawing that sun hanging on the horizon?
It's on my mom's Bag, It was on my wall for a
couple years...and now it's here.
What am I trying to tell myself?
[It's ripped here, but it looks like is says] House of the Rising Sun
behind the attatchment lays a single grey feather.
Page Two
Hi S---- :) I had to
borrow your notebook B/c
I forgot my bag at home.
lucky I had this and a pen
in the car.
Kaitlin YWCA 1-3 Women
Hotline 408-287-3000 1-2 Men
Concent: willing + Active = "Yes"
97% male
16-19 most at risk
Then I remembered that
I don't take many notes.
oh well .
O
O
O
borrow your notebook B/c
I forgot my bag at home.
lucky I had this and a pen
in the car.
Kaitlin YWCA 1-3 Women
Hotline 408-287-3000 1-2 Men
Concent: willing + Active = "Yes"
97% male
16-19 most at risk
Then I remembered that
I don't take many notes.
oh well .
O
O
Page One Journal
You have my heart
and soul.
(wink*)
and you play it
play it
to the beat
Lighting Systems
W = V*A
(west virgina) circuit #
"meet virgina = dimmer #
excersises in
high heels"
load = @ full power = amp?
120 Vols * Amp = 2000 w.
Amp = 2000/120
A = 16 amps
16 < 20 ok! :)
7.04.2011
Invitation
Invitation to the Former Hell Nation
I accept
Looking forward to my thoughts (Without, without)
Without stress I am within
I come within.. to myself
SANCTUARY!
Safe
I accept
--I discard -- the baggage of my emotions
and stowed away nowfree Expectations from/of My Past
I can do this I can do this
I watch my thoughts play
Within Without Within Without
On the cusp of en-light-en-ment
O! I
hope
this is
de-light-ful.
of Full of Light
Me Delightful, Me Delaughter
Affirmations please don't fail me now!
Defenses please do not spring!
Anger please do not boil!
To me! To me! To me!
Stay within, focus within, and
joy
blossom
out
I accept
Looking forward to my thoughts (Without, without)
Without stress I am within
I come within.. to myself
SANCTUARY!
Safe
I accept
--I discard -- the baggage of my emotions
and stowed away nowfree Expectations from/of My Past
I can do this I can do this
I watch my thoughts play
Within Without Within Without
On the cusp of en-light-en-ment
O! I
hope
this is
de-light-ful.
of Full of Light
Me Delightful, Me Delaughter
Affirmations please don't fail me now!
Defenses please do not spring!
Anger please do not boil!
To me! To me! To me!
Stay within, focus within, and
joy
blossom
out
We Thought We Thin
Without
Wi' thought
We thought
Within
Wi' thin
We thin
We thought we thin
Meditation- body and mind communicate, "We thought ourselves thin. We thought, 'we are thin,' then we are thin."
Look out
Look in
Without
Within
If you look out, without of your body, you become without.
If you look in, within of your body, you become within..
In, in with the in crowd, you Have, you are not without.
Out, out with the out crowd, down and out, n' out, not, receive not.
Within questions
Without answers
Within: questions within questions
learning, always all ways
Without: answers without answers
meaningless forms of hubabubblejumble
With o u t'
With o' to
With in t'
With in to---towards----
With o' to: Onto, Physical, Above, Below, On, O'to, Out, With or Without
With in to: Tends to Infinity, continuous towardsing,
the Spirit Sings Itself, Within
Wi' thin and not Wi' thought
Wi' thought
We thought
Within
Wi' thin
We thin
We thought we thin
Meditation- body and mind communicate, "We thought ourselves thin. We thought, 'we are thin,' then we are thin."
Look out
Look in
Without
Within
If you look out, without of your body, you become without.
If you look in, within of your body, you become within..
In, in with the in crowd, you Have, you are not without.
Out, out with the out crowd, down and out, n' out, not, receive not.
Within questions
Without answers
Within: questions within questions
learning, always all ways
Without: answers without answers
meaningless forms of hubabubblejumble
With o u t'
With o' to
With in t'
With in to---towards----
With o' to: Onto, Physical, Above, Below, On, O'to, Out, With or Without
With in to: Tends to Infinity, continuous towardsing,
the Spirit Sings Itself, Within
Wi' thin and not Wi' thought
4.09.2011
What You Are
What you are soon to find
comes from a lover lost in time
blossoms from the heart of a flower of a crystal of a light
and knows where the center is
What you are soon to hear
comes from a place far beyond fear
leaping past it's lanterns, flying past it's clouds
this soul, this heart knows no bounds
What you are soon to know
comes from reaches beneath any snow
beneath any onions and beneath any rain..
all three that have the power to return reality again
What you are soon to see
is the shortest space between you and me
isn't a wrinkle in time or the completion of a quest
but
simply
happiness
comes from a lover lost in time
blossoms from the heart of a flower of a crystal of a light
and knows where the center is
What you are soon to hear
comes from a place far beyond fear
leaping past it's lanterns, flying past it's clouds
this soul, this heart knows no bounds
What you are soon to know
comes from reaches beneath any snow
beneath any onions and beneath any rain..
all three that have the power to return reality again
What you are soon to see
is the shortest space between you and me
isn't a wrinkle in time or the completion of a quest
but
simply
happiness
4.03.2011
What an amazing day! Ending with a lullaby to my baby brother, magical M&M's and a glass of wine. Beginning with an love notebook and a fireplace near Tahoe...watching the sun rise.
3.23.2011
It takes approximately 24 hours for the mind to destroy something.
During this time the mind builds details upon details of insignificant worries that wouldn't bother you tomorrow if you didn't notice them as negative thoughts.
It then plays out events which happen on the stereo of the thought cycle started in this 24 hours.
Meanwhile the heart could be having a wonderful experience... completely ignoring the false mind chatter.
However what the mind does is not inconsequential. It creates the future realities, and retells and retells the pasts over and over again to fit future realities.
As long as we allow our mind to continue worrying at a subconscious level about everything, we will never sit still enough to know peace or love..our mind chatter will even make our fears all we are able to think about in sex!
It takes only one second, One Second, for the mind to find peace.
Which do you choose?
During this time the mind builds details upon details of insignificant worries that wouldn't bother you tomorrow if you didn't notice them as negative thoughts.
It then plays out events which happen on the stereo of the thought cycle started in this 24 hours.
Meanwhile the heart could be having a wonderful experience... completely ignoring the false mind chatter.
However what the mind does is not inconsequential. It creates the future realities, and retells and retells the pasts over and over again to fit future realities.
As long as we allow our mind to continue worrying at a subconscious level about everything, we will never sit still enough to know peace or love..our mind chatter will even make our fears all we are able to think about in sex!
It takes only one second, One Second, for the mind to find peace.
Which do you choose?
Nickelback- Gotta Be Somebody, a response
They go to Italy,
I went to Vienna
They go to Broklyn
I went to San Fransisco
They go to the Mojave Desert
I went to Oregon
what does this all add up to?
A recipe for a Somebody.
If I could go back in time, I'd tell myself: Just open your eyes the somebody you're looking for is right in front of you! (p.s. do this while looking in the mirror)
When we long for companionship we need to be kinder to ourselves
When we long for adventure, we need to find excitement in our daily lives
When we long for magic, we need to watch more sunrises.
When we find those things...we realize it was just our point of view which kept us from them, it was just us..all along.
I went to Vienna
They go to Broklyn
I went to San Fransisco
They go to the Mojave Desert
I went to Oregon
what does this all add up to?
A recipe for a Somebody.
If I could go back in time, I'd tell myself: Just open your eyes the somebody you're looking for is right in front of you! (p.s. do this while looking in the mirror)
When we long for companionship we need to be kinder to ourselves
When we long for adventure, we need to find excitement in our daily lives
When we long for magic, we need to watch more sunrises.
When we find those things...we realize it was just our point of view which kept us from them, it was just us..all along.
3.22.2011
THIS IS SELF AFFIRMING
This is
singing above the treble clef at 3 am to Breaking Benjamin
this is
getting a job i love with people i love on a person to person level
this is
hugs and kisses for me from me
this is
magic
this is
fairy tale good
this is
the best decision i have ever made in my entire life and it is also a cumulation of my entire life for me to make this decision
this is love
and also
an abscence of fear becasue
i have found myself.
my wonderful, normal, expressionistic, radicallly lesbian feminist 19 yr old self
i will always believe in love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
singing above the treble clef at 3 am to Breaking Benjamin
this is
getting a job i love with people i love on a person to person level
this is
hugs and kisses for me from me
this is
magic
this is
fairy tale good
this is
the best decision i have ever made in my entire life and it is also a cumulation of my entire life for me to make this decision
this is love
and also
an abscence of fear becasue
i have found myself.
my wonderful, normal, expressionistic, radicallly lesbian feminist 19 yr old self
i will always believe in love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3.21.2011
My Write Space (for gianna)
My writespace is warm and hollow and fuzzy
smooth and surrounded by
blankets
my writespace has blue eyes
and clear intentions
he is she is we and we are all together
my writespace is energetically inclined
to deny viruses, cancers, and time constraints
it exists
with or without time and space
depending on the mood
and can cover countries in a single hour
with all the world's blankets
looped through each other's seams
the universe is a small part of my writespace
stars glitter in the corner
but most of all
is your smile
the biggest decoration
on the wall facing the southern sun
one day
i'll write down
what it feels like
to watch you smile
smooth and surrounded by
blankets
my writespace has blue eyes
and clear intentions
he is she is we and we are all together
my writespace is energetically inclined
to deny viruses, cancers, and time constraints
it exists
with or without time and space
depending on the mood
and can cover countries in a single hour
with all the world's blankets
looped through each other's seams
the universe is a small part of my writespace
stars glitter in the corner
but most of all
is your smile
the biggest decoration
on the wall facing the southern sun
one day
i'll write down
what it feels like
to watch you smile
3.20.2011
Pure creation
one night
before
herenow
me escape jail
fear walls
evaporate-ed
HANDS SO Pain Pleasure To Write
because
ALWAYS state of ALWAYS creation.
Me see Always God-maybe Energy
COURSE-ing COARSE-ing CRUISE-ing CURSIVE-ing
fromme- mesomewherebehind me
through me
through bicep, tricep, vein, wrist, skin, heel of palm, bones, flesh, muscle, out ligament, out fingertip, out hand
to
create.
before
herenow
me escape jail
fear walls
evaporate-ed
HANDS SO Pain Pleasure To Write
because
ALWAYS state of ALWAYS creation.
Me see Always God-maybe Energy
COURSE-ing COARSE-ing CRUISE-ing CURSIVE-ing
fromme- mesomewherebehind me
through me
through bicep, tricep, vein, wrist, skin, heel of palm, bones, flesh, muscle, out ligament, out fingertip, out hand
to
create.
3.18.2011
3.17.2011
Description
God, Bless me with Wit
fiery creative juice
so that I may create Poetry
and then people can
know what i know
and see
through the eyes of love
that i see
fiery creative juice
so that I may create Poetry
and then people can
know what i know
and see
through the eyes of love
that i see
Why Did they Die?
Why did they die?
these sensitive souls
what took the knife from the counter
or the pill from the bottle
and placed it
gently put it
put it through them
Deborah Digges 2009 Suicide
Gwebdolyn Brooks 2000
Sylvia Plath 1963 Suicide
Frank O'Hara 1966 Car Accident
These hearts so full of light!
emotion!
make it right!
So sad they are dead now,
no more to hear their prose now
them poem people go now
why must they go?
must all poets experience depression?
must all great souls suffer deeply in order to comprehend love?
to look. look . look! outside fear : OCEANS OF LOVE.
these sensitive souls
what took the knife from the counter
or the pill from the bottle
and placed it
gently put it
put it through them
Deborah Digges 2009 Suicide
Gwebdolyn Brooks 2000
Sylvia Plath 1963 Suicide
Frank O'Hara 1966 Car Accident
These hearts so full of light!
emotion!
make it right!
So sad they are dead now,
no more to hear their prose now
them poem people go now
why must they go?
must all poets experience depression?
must all great souls suffer deeply in order to comprehend love?
to look. look . look! outside fear : OCEANS OF LOVE.
Phenomenal Woman- Maya Angelou
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Maya Angelou
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Maya Angelou
A New Type of Poetry?
There is the poetry one reads and the poetry of mucisians. The poetry of words and Paintings, Of things and Ideas, of sunsets, light and shadow...
Can a new Poetry be emerging.
Online
Where a poet
can include a song lyric
and within those words
provide a link. subtly
to the song
so the reader
can experience
the music of the poet's inspiration
as they read
the poet's
word (s)
what would it be like writing in this new age of multimediaic simultaneous stimulation?
Can a new Poetry be emerging.
Online
Where a poet
can include a song lyric
and within those words
provide a link. subtly
to the song
so the reader
can experience
the music of the poet's inspiration
as they read
the poet's
word (s)
what would it be like writing in this new age of multimediaic simultaneous stimulation?
Shaking Joy
Shaking,
Tears streaming down the inside of my cheeks,
Acute tenderness
In the curve of an orange paper petal
I am Home
Tears streaming down the inside of my cheeks,
Acute tenderness
In the curve of an orange paper petal
I am Home
Signs of Love
So many signs, blackbird
singlered roses on a grave
pink feathers at the bank
toilet dreams
saying to love myself.."hey..its just me"
goooose bumps galore!
Poems and poems about poetry
quotations from the wise-est of us all- you
the truth the truth
talking truthfully to my self
my perseverations
buried in the beach
all my cells are at peace
singlered roses on a grave
pink feathers at the bank
toilet dreams
saying to love myself.."hey..its just me"
goooose bumps galore!
Poems and poems about poetry
quotations from the wise-est of us all- you
the truth the truth
talking truthfully to my self
my perseverations
buried in the beach
all my cells are at peace
ITS NOT ABOUT MY BODY
Its about me. Just, me.
I subconsciously have this dialogue when i look in the mirror about my stomach.Only the things i say at my stomach are words that i fear the most. One of them being that "im too big" it is true that people fear their own greatness. I feel it will overshadow you. whoever you may be at the moment. My mom, my friends, my X.
it just isn't true that I am too big for you.
I could be bigger
And even then I would n't be too big for you.
When i say Big I mean Spiritually big. Emotionally big. Big Package. and Physically big.
When i think the thought I am too big i feel really really small, like stuffed into a box 1/32 my height.
Who would i be without this thought that I am too big...I can feel that i could be happier.
So three turnarounds..
1I am not too big. I am just right size
2Life is too big..is that true? life is too big? no... Life is just perfect.
3. I am perfect. My body is perfectly imperfectly perfect.
4 I am not perfect. Is that true? yes.. can i absolutely know that that's true? well...no. Three turnarounds of that : 1. I am perfect...perfectly me. I don't need to be perfect. I am willing to change. I am not perfect.. who want's perfect? I am perfectly inperfect. I am imperfectly ok. I am OK.
5 I am not Big enough. Is that true? I can see yes...can i absolutely know that that's true? NO. how do feel when you think that thought? the same way i feel when i think I am too big. Who would i be without that thought. OK . I would Be- In- Love. Three turnarounds.. I am just the right size. I am just right. I Am OK.
Wait...I am too big and i am not big enough??? how can those both be true??? they cannot both be true at the same time.. SO they are not true. They just aren't . It's my concept of enough... how do i know when things are the right size.. when things are enough?
---- "Becasue it is a good feeling. Things are always the right size and they are always/ it is always enough."
I subconsciously have this dialogue when i look in the mirror about my stomach.Only the things i say at my stomach are words that i fear the most. One of them being that "im too big" it is true that people fear their own greatness. I feel it will overshadow you. whoever you may be at the moment. My mom, my friends, my X.
it just isn't true that I am too big for you.
I could be bigger
And even then I would n't be too big for you.
When i say Big I mean Spiritually big. Emotionally big. Big Package. and Physically big.
When i think the thought I am too big i feel really really small, like stuffed into a box 1/32 my height.
Who would i be without this thought that I am too big...I can feel that i could be happier.
So three turnarounds..
1I am not too big. I am just right size
2Life is too big..is that true? life is too big? no... Life is just perfect.
3. I am perfect. My body is perfectly imperfectly perfect.
4 I am not perfect. Is that true? yes.. can i absolutely know that that's true? well...no. Three turnarounds of that : 1. I am perfect...perfectly me. I don't need to be perfect. I am willing to change. I am not perfect.. who want's perfect? I am perfectly inperfect. I am imperfectly ok. I am OK.
5 I am not Big enough. Is that true? I can see yes...can i absolutely know that that's true? NO. how do feel when you think that thought? the same way i feel when i think I am too big. Who would i be without that thought. OK . I would Be- In- Love. Three turnarounds.. I am just the right size. I am just right. I Am OK.
Wait...I am too big and i am not big enough??? how can those both be true??? they cannot both be true at the same time.. SO they are not true. They just aren't . It's my concept of enough... how do i know when things are the right size.. when things are enough?
---- "Becasue it is a good feeling. Things are always the right size and they are always/ it is always enough."
The Work: "What I love about X Scares me the most"
" X is so free. X is so unconventional. X is so free spirited. It's bad that X doesn't care what anybody thinks or how the world sees X. X's inner voice is in charge of X's life..and this is what I ADMIRE , what i wish I was like .. but it also scares me so much...I fear for X..what the world will do to X. Will X get hurt...What part do I play in X's it?"
---"Trust in Life.. in the essence of Life which is LOVE. and Love hurts no one more than they will heal. And LOVE causes growth. The growth of Your and X's LOVE and the spiritual, mental and physical growth of X itself. You and X are of the same weave, the same cloth, the same breath and blood. It is your spiritual right, peroggative, directive that you Stay Together. But Not in chains, in flower circles of harmony, sunsets and sparkling dewy fog. You are filled with a sense of deep gratitude when you in a place of love from which you can see this. From this position you can see farther even. To go past old hurts to the far far far past, in life times ages and ages ago. Before King Arthur and Atlantis. To the edge of the Earth. And you will find yourself here again. Time, Love, Age, Wellness, Happiness, Heart --it is all a CIRCLE. a Sine Wave. An infinite Loop. You Have been here before and you will be here again--infinity. The point is not to grow out of life.. but into life. LIfe will/ does sustain you. LIfe is your Breath. SING. No! Just joy, Just experience...there. Here. Now."
I fear it because it is what I want . I want it so desperately. That want is a separation fro the truth. I am like that. X is too unconventional...is that true.. can I absolutely know that that's true?....NO. How do I feel when I think that thought. AFRAID for X's safety in my life. In X's life. Who would I be without the thought X is too unconventional. I would say "Take me with you! Let me see your wonderland. through your love-blessed eyes..Take me to your Wonderland!" 3 turnarounds... X is too unconventional.. 1X is not unconventional.2 I am too unconventional.. yes I can see where both of those are true. 3...X is not unconventional enough.. not brave enough to leave the conventions.. yes i can see that. I am not unconventional enough. I have seen that too. I can go there too. X is perfect. X is what I always wanted.
So X is unconventional...is that true.. ? Yes! and No! In a Good way! No one is too unconventional.. no one is conventional.. what is conventional anyways? a family? a 1950s esq family? hahhaa. A microwave. Conventionality does not exist... it is a lie...it is a story about a perception.. the truth is Love..it always has been, it always will be. It Is.
I now know my fear for X was really a fear for myself not being brave enough to be like X, to completely accept myself... I am getting closer to accepting and loving all of me. I am so incredibly, magically, completely loved by X and X's family and I am so completely a part of the tapestry of love..what I see now is my fear was a shadow, a mask that I said I couldn't love myself completely..because anyone who did would be crazy. Holy Cow. Good thing you are not crazy, X, and good thing I am not crazy..(if we are then we can both be crazy together). Here is my heart... you can love me completely now.. because I can love me completely now. I am willing to love every little and big and twisted and etc thing about me.
---"Trust in Life.. in the essence of Life which is LOVE. and Love hurts no one more than they will heal. And LOVE causes growth. The growth of Your and X's LOVE and the spiritual, mental and physical growth of X itself. You and X are of the same weave, the same cloth, the same breath and blood. It is your spiritual right, peroggative, directive that you Stay Together. But Not in chains, in flower circles of harmony, sunsets and sparkling dewy fog. You are filled with a sense of deep gratitude when you in a place of love from which you can see this. From this position you can see farther even. To go past old hurts to the far far far past, in life times ages and ages ago. Before King Arthur and Atlantis. To the edge of the Earth. And you will find yourself here again. Time, Love, Age, Wellness, Happiness, Heart --it is all a CIRCLE. a Sine Wave. An infinite Loop. You Have been here before and you will be here again--infinity. The point is not to grow out of life.. but into life. LIfe will/ does sustain you. LIfe is your Breath. SING. No! Just joy, Just experience...there. Here. Now."
I fear it because it is what I want . I want it so desperately. That want is a separation fro the truth. I am like that. X is too unconventional...is that true.. can I absolutely know that that's true?....NO. How do I feel when I think that thought. AFRAID for X's safety in my life. In X's life. Who would I be without the thought X is too unconventional. I would say "Take me with you! Let me see your wonderland. through your love-blessed eyes..Take me to your Wonderland!" 3 turnarounds... X is too unconventional.. 1X is not unconventional.2 I am too unconventional.. yes I can see where both of those are true. 3...X is not unconventional enough.. not brave enough to leave the conventions.. yes i can see that. I am not unconventional enough. I have seen that too. I can go there too. X is perfect. X is what I always wanted.
So X is unconventional...is that true.. ? Yes! and No! In a Good way! No one is too unconventional.. no one is conventional.. what is conventional anyways? a family? a 1950s esq family? hahhaa. A microwave. Conventionality does not exist... it is a lie...it is a story about a perception.. the truth is Love..it always has been, it always will be. It Is.
I now know my fear for X was really a fear for myself not being brave enough to be like X, to completely accept myself... I am getting closer to accepting and loving all of me. I am so incredibly, magically, completely loved by X and X's family and I am so completely a part of the tapestry of love..what I see now is my fear was a shadow, a mask that I said I couldn't love myself completely..because anyone who did would be crazy. Holy Cow. Good thing you are not crazy, X, and good thing I am not crazy..(if we are then we can both be crazy together). Here is my heart... you can love me completely now.. because I can love me completely now. I am willing to love every little and big and twisted and etc thing about me.
The work on " I shouldn't write personal stuff here"
Is that true?
Can I absolutely know I shouldn't write personal stuff here. This is my blog..
No ..i don't know if it's true
How do i feel...(when i think that)
boxed in , enclosed...like i have to censor.. for my family, for my mother.. (mother why am i always trying to protect you from myself? I think i am too BIG ..like big spirit.. bit out there... for you)
Who would I be without that thought?
I would be open.. and I would realize the stuff i thought was personal is actually quiet obvious to the onlooker.
hahaha
3 turnarounds...
1I should write personal stuff here. Yes I should because 1) It's my blog, 2) It's musings on the way to"spirituality" falsity is not a way to truth... truth cuts down layers strait to the heart. through the heart to the spirit. I should write personal stuff here .Because I am. I am writing personal stuff here.
2I am writing personal stuff here.
3...ummm the stuff i write here is personal or not.. or everything is personal or it is not...stuff should be personal here.. because it is. its like an online journal...i trust the "universe of them' to not scorn me for what appears here. because it is from the heart. it is my real fears, my real truths. my story.. as real as it gets.
and i can change my mind at any time.
what i write here is personal stuff.. but so is everything juicy and good ;)
Can I absolutely know I shouldn't write personal stuff here. This is my blog..
No ..i don't know if it's true
How do i feel...(when i think that)
boxed in , enclosed...like i have to censor.. for my family, for my mother.. (mother why am i always trying to protect you from myself? I think i am too BIG ..like big spirit.. bit out there... for you)
Who would I be without that thought?
I would be open.. and I would realize the stuff i thought was personal is actually quiet obvious to the onlooker.
hahaha
3 turnarounds...
1I should write personal stuff here. Yes I should because 1) It's my blog, 2) It's musings on the way to"spirituality" falsity is not a way to truth... truth cuts down layers strait to the heart. through the heart to the spirit. I should write personal stuff here .Because I am. I am writing personal stuff here.
2I am writing personal stuff here.
3...ummm the stuff i write here is personal or not.. or everything is personal or it is not...stuff should be personal here.. because it is. its like an online journal...i trust the "universe of them' to not scorn me for what appears here. because it is from the heart. it is my real fears, my real truths. my story.. as real as it gets.
and i can change my mind at any time.
what i write here is personal stuff.. but so is everything juicy and good ;)
I want to write you my story
I love writing poetry
This is my 100th post
(it feels like I've written more)
I want to write you my story
I think that's why I got a blog in the first place
So that i could write my story
and you could read it
and I could give you all the books I ' ve loved.. just a couple..maybe five
and you could read them
and in reading them
and what i write
you could come to know me deeper
come to understand me , maybe for a moment how I was at 15
14
10
19
when i was very young and just beginning to write
in fourth grade
i have kept a journal since then
I remember the first crushes i wrote about
what i wanted to do in 5 , ten ,25 years
The journal was black paper and a silver pen..a christmas present from A Mother's Ex-Boyfriend..of sorts
I want to write you my life
because
I want to show you my life.. all of me... even the parts I think are too Big, too scary, too out there for anyone to see
But i am trusting myself
and I am trusting Love
I am being freed
I am freed. Free.
Who I am , who we are, who you are... We, i you , are so vast.. so incomprehensible..so maybe the point is not comprehending but .....living.. loving what...is.
I know all the spiritual teachers say that.. Love what is! Respect your parents! Free your mind.
But I actually believe in that!
I actually believe that Love for yourself, even the tiniest grain of sand of love for yourself ..it can change your world, our world.
Love...it loves itself, i love myself, I love you.
Mirror Mirror that is me
in love at last! who do i see
mirror mirror on the wall
there is none fairer than the all
Fairy tales ,and kissing queens
got nothing next to me
i am on stage, i am in the age
of good luck, hard trust
and TONS of Pixie dust!!
This is my 100th post
(it feels like I've written more)
I want to write you my story
I think that's why I got a blog in the first place
So that i could write my story
and you could read it
and I could give you all the books I ' ve loved.. just a couple..maybe five
and you could read them
and in reading them
and what i write
you could come to know me deeper
come to understand me , maybe for a moment how I was at 15
14
10
19
when i was very young and just beginning to write
in fourth grade
i have kept a journal since then
I remember the first crushes i wrote about
what i wanted to do in 5 , ten ,25 years
The journal was black paper and a silver pen..a christmas present from A Mother's Ex-Boyfriend..of sorts
I want to write you my life
because
I want to show you my life.. all of me... even the parts I think are too Big, too scary, too out there for anyone to see
But i am trusting myself
and I am trusting Love
I am being freed
I am freed. Free.
Who I am , who we are, who you are... We, i you , are so vast.. so incomprehensible..so maybe the point is not comprehending but .....living.. loving what...is.
I know all the spiritual teachers say that.. Love what is! Respect your parents! Free your mind.
But I actually believe in that!
I actually believe that Love for yourself, even the tiniest grain of sand of love for yourself ..it can change your world, our world.
Love...it loves itself, i love myself, I love you.
Mirror Mirror that is me
in love at last! who do i see
mirror mirror on the wall
there is none fairer than the all
Fairy tales ,and kissing queens
got nothing next to me
i am on stage, i am in the age
of good luck, hard trust
and TONS of Pixie dust!!
3.15.2011
I AM AN ABOLITIONIST
I vote for the abolition of prisons, of outsourcing, of reality T.V. and M.T.V.
In its place I offer rehab, an opportunity to re-invent onesself - to reimmerse the self in society. To get off the couch, the bottle, the smoking chain, the food chain, and into the world.
I Vote for the abolition of Marriage
For the Instatement of Love in its place- and the legal sanction that it indeed is the deepest bond
I vote for the equality of all people of all genders in all spaces- especially public ones like work and bathrooms
I vote for the right to choose abortion or not, for the disbursment of millions of free condoms to all highschool, colleges and middle schools.
I vote for the raise in all teachers' pay everywhere and the cut of prison guard's pay to a little over minimum wage. That way teachers, not prison guards, could make $100,000.
Better yet, I abolish MONEY, instating a barter system, where we pay for school with mutual agreements to learn and enter a cause and effect global web of gift giving to get what we want, when we want it, and how we want it.
This would cause fast food places , Starbucks, and supermarkets to diminish, maybe.
What could you give for a good coffee instead of $5? How about the cup that you drink it in.
Thank you, I'll be here all week.
In its place I offer rehab, an opportunity to re-invent onesself - to reimmerse the self in society. To get off the couch, the bottle, the smoking chain, the food chain, and into the world.
I Vote for the abolition of Marriage
For the Instatement of Love in its place- and the legal sanction that it indeed is the deepest bond
I vote for the equality of all people of all genders in all spaces- especially public ones like work and bathrooms
I vote for the right to choose abortion or not, for the disbursment of millions of free condoms to all highschool, colleges and middle schools.
I vote for the raise in all teachers' pay everywhere and the cut of prison guard's pay to a little over minimum wage. That way teachers, not prison guards, could make $100,000.
Better yet, I abolish MONEY, instating a barter system, where we pay for school with mutual agreements to learn and enter a cause and effect global web of gift giving to get what we want, when we want it, and how we want it.
This would cause fast food places , Starbucks, and supermarkets to diminish, maybe.
What could you give for a good coffee instead of $5? How about the cup that you drink it in.
Thank you, I'll be here all week.
3.09.2011
It’s a ____! : Sex (Re)Assignment Surgeries
This summary is not available. Please
click here to view the post.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)