endstart

"With every end, there is a beginning."
Statement read by the joint Cosmonaut/Astronaut team on board MIR Space Station on the occasion of the Habitat II Conference, Istanbul, June 3-14 1996

there are many dualites like that in my life. the end of childhood, beginning of life of freedom. the end of school as i know it and beginning of college. the end of fear and the embrace of the unknown. denise lynn talks of writing legacies in chapters, i've never felt this way before, but i'll call this chapter 13 for the freedom that began as i ended my twelfth year of school, which i loved. usually i don't write chapters, but this seemed important. apologies to my ego.

as we grow, we tend to outgrow known patterns in a restlessness- search for unknown answers. as i grow i reach a part when i find the answer and realize my next dream and ambition. i listen to myself more as i grow, in fact not listening to myself is something i am disinclined to do now as it creates my life angry and when i do listen and write as i do now i feel euphoric.

today i jumped off a perverbial bridge. enlightenment is the one thing which cannot be taught, yet, has the most teachers on this earth. it was frustrating when i felt so much joy, when i learned along side my best friend and then leaped past him in knowledge and understanding, resolve, determination, practice and enjoyment. when he was my lover i was angry to the point of tears that i could feel this joy and when i explained what it was to him, he would not be or yearn to be as i was. my anger lead always to my laughter, for how can he not be as he is? and the point is funny that unshared joy could make me angry. i never knew i liked sharing so much.

this came with the realization yesterday that changed my life from one of a wanderer to one with a drive. with a clear picture in her head of the bed she will have when she grosses a million dollars earnings. i am going to be the one that makes it in my family. and this feeling of success which i have now in my work is what helps me, success is not out there, but it is something to be realized inside one's self.

this dream enlightened me to answers i was questioning myself , and the joy is , they came once i started just living in joy and not wondering what my life purpose was but knowing it would come to me. and i have the greatest plan for myself in the world, a goal not easily attainable , but i always love a challenge and the sheer size of it is what fills me with excitement, playfullness and makes it fun. it explains to me why i am so interested in music and why i have a deep interest in fairytales- specifically disney princess ones.

my goal/dream/ideal in life is to write a musical epic which contains all the learning and deepening the princesses experienced, as facing the unknown and their emotions and befriending them and of course happily ever after. but so far this is just the story of one princess, set modernly, in an average setting, who may or may not be a princess of lineage but of her own mind. and i'll star in this musical.

i have taken steps towards this, stage-managing and other tech duties, voice lessons, piano lessons, guitar-family taught, respect and love for the people around me, dance lessons, colorguard, philosophy classes, english classes, reading drama classes, performing in musicals, staying in moderately good shape, learning how to cook and finance. it is as if my whole life has lead me to this moment , this realization of my dream, why i am going to college, why i love to dance and sing and piano. so this is my beginning.

my endings are many, but one stands out, my bestfriend, my lover, him who catalized all the beautiful change and awareness of myself which has lead me here, him who i called love, well my passion for him has ended. but now i call him brother, for it is really our friendship which lasted opposition. i call him brother and in the realease of my passion i am free.

my beginnings are many, but one stands out today. today , the day i became freer than i have ever felt, i met a really nice boy. thank you, universe for this brother who i feel i can become great friends with. and who knows really what will happen.
for every end there is a beginning. and that beginning is now.